NPR announced today that in a cost-cutting move they have replaced their news writers with a computer program that uses a simple formula to generate stories:

Liberal Subject A derided by NPR Talking Heads B + C x Rightwing Talking Point D = False Equivalency of the Day

The key to the program’s success is its use of non-specific subjects and sourcing. As an example, today’s story "Rhetoric Surrounds Holocaust Memorial Shooting" – read by host Scott Simon and NPR news analyst & Fox News bon vivant Juan Williams – features such subjects as:

"left-wing blogs"
"right-wing blogs"
"the media"

With no specific names or actual quotes necessary for back-up, this program has universal applications towards the whole broadcasting spectrum.

There are bugs to be worked out, as exemplified by Mr. Williams consigning "lots of anger at immigrants" to the left-wing blogs and his citation of the hereto unknown "first amendment rights to criticize". Company officials have not yet determined if this is a programming code error or a simple syntax problem, but are leaning towards the latter.

When it was pointed out that Mr. Williams’ closing cites actual facts from the Southern Poverty Law Center that contradict his earlier rhetoric in the piece, NPR officials smiled and proclaimed this a feature not a bug.

To demonstrate the program’s amazing timesaving ability, technicians fed in random word clouds from today’s wires and produced next Saturday’s Weekend Edition Top Story: "Obama Nicotine Cravings Cited in Increased Iranian Unrest".

Note: Rumors that the NPR server housing this new computer program is shared by the NRSC were not confirmed by presstime. However the date atop the NPR press release of "June 13, 1009" and the fact the release itself was released on stone tablet supports the need for further inquiry into the matter.

File Under: Snark